Show me the meaning of being lonely

Damn, from the last one I am loving it to this one show me the meaning of being lonely, I must look like a freaking moody silly girl. Well, as I always said, sometime people<--me just get emotional.

I think I don't deserve too many holidays. I should keep working working and working to fill up my mind, to keep me busy from doing stupid meaningless things. I tried so hard to make my life colorful. I tried to deny that I have the moment that I feel lonely. Oh, I do feel lonely sometime like everybody else does. The loneliness pushed me going to the wrong way. I knew all those are wrong. I thought those could be private and only keep it to yourself, and you do whatever you feel like doing. It is wrong. It sucks you up into a dark whole. Once you are in, everything changes from the inside. Your pride, you attitude, your respect...everything... is gonna be fucked up. The worse part is, the same kind get together. So you are gonna stick with the people who is as fucked up as you are...forever, unless you change yourself.

I read the book Blink. It simply points out that actually people do have the ability to know every single truth with our subconscious. Then why do we make wrong choices, do stupid things? Because, we don't believe it. It's hard to believe things from no reason. But it's the way it is. I can say I knew what I am getting into, and I knew what it's gonna be in the end. But I am still doing it.

Why? Maybe because I take the chances. And again, I know that the chances are very slight. Damn, how stupid I am! I am ruining my own life. What the hell I am doing? Just because I couldn't stand the loneliness? I am a good girl, a good person. I deserve lot more than that.

Ask myself again, what the fuck do I really want? Think carefully, and the thing I want the most is relationship. It sounds so lame though. But I do want to be in someone's mind, and have someone in my mind, exclusively. I d0 want someone care about who I am, what I do and how I feel. It should not be downgraded to the casual thing since it's not so easy to get, and I should not deny it because I am so afraid it might take a long time to get it.

I have indulged myself for a while. It's the time to say bye bye to these should never be around. I am the only one to end it up. I did things which make me feel good. But now, I don't. My mum was right, I am gonna hurt myself. I knew these are not for me, I knew there is one day I would go back to what I would always do, to be who I really am.