What the hell is CNY

Chinese New Year is boring as hell. People shoot off the fire crackers insanely. In the new year eve I couldn't even hear my own TV. The tradition of setting off fire crackers for scare away the HOLY beast which called Nian. Nian comes to the town once a year, just like Santa. But he is not coming to give the gifts, he takes lives, put the village on fire, eat children...all kinds of terrible things. Don't know where the smart chinese people found something make terrific sound to scare him away, that holy thing so called firecrakers, so the village can avoid the tragety once a year. That's why in Chinese called Spring Festival (Chinese New Year) also Gou Nian, means Nian passed.

Although the story is nice, and the firecrackers are really bring some holiday mood, but I never understood what's so fun of firecrackers. For 10-30 mins is ok, but not all night long... so fed up with all those. Every year, people lose their hands, arms, or eyes or whatever blowout, houses got on fire... many accidents just bcz of firecrackers! Why people still do this dangerous shit non-stop-ly! HOLY!

Nowadays, CNY really has become kinda meaningless, especially for the small family like mine. The New Year holiday just like any other holidays. We have the same activities like usual, having dinner (ok, there would be way too many dishes than uaual, but nothing fancy like stew peacock or something like that), watching TV (besides you could never hear what they talking about on tv bcz of the freaking firecrackers)... for me, nothing special for the eve. Eat-->go back to my room-->sit in front of my table. Ha, the special thing for this year was, instead pc in front of me, there is an awesome Macbook! That's the first goal I scored in 2009, having a Mac. A good kickoff! Keep it on.

I hope my friends have a fun, SAFE holiday. I hope they could come back to Shanghai soon. I am telling you guys, I am getting bored without you!

Show me the meaning of being lonely

Damn, from the last one I am loving it to this one show me the meaning of being lonely, I must look like a freaking moody silly girl. Well, as I always said, sometime people<--me just get emotional.

I think I don't deserve too many holidays. I should keep working working and working to fill up my mind, to keep me busy from doing stupid meaningless things. I tried so hard to make my life colorful. I tried to deny that I have the moment that I feel lonely. Oh, I do feel lonely sometime like everybody else does. The loneliness pushed me going to the wrong way. I knew all those are wrong. I thought those could be private and only keep it to yourself, and you do whatever you feel like doing. It is wrong. It sucks you up into a dark whole. Once you are in, everything changes from the inside. Your pride, you attitude, your respect...everything... is gonna be fucked up. The worse part is, the same kind get together. So you are gonna stick with the people who is as fucked up as you are...forever, unless you change yourself.

I read the book Blink. It simply points out that actually people do have the ability to know every single truth with our subconscious. Then why do we make wrong choices, do stupid things? Because, we don't believe it. It's hard to believe things from no reason. But it's the way it is. I can say I knew what I am getting into, and I knew what it's gonna be in the end. But I am still doing it.

Why? Maybe because I take the chances. And again, I know that the chances are very slight. Damn, how stupid I am! I am ruining my own life. What the hell I am doing? Just because I couldn't stand the loneliness? I am a good girl, a good person. I deserve lot more than that.

Ask myself again, what the fuck do I really want? Think carefully, and the thing I want the most is relationship. It sounds so lame though. But I do want to be in someone's mind, and have someone in my mind, exclusively. I d0 want someone care about who I am, what I do and how I feel. It should not be downgraded to the casual thing since it's not so easy to get, and I should not deny it because I am so afraid it might take a long time to get it.

I have indulged myself for a while. It's the time to say bye bye to these should never be around. I am the only one to end it up. I did things which make me feel good. But now, I don't. My mum was right, I am gonna hurt myself. I knew these are not for me, I knew there is one day I would go back to what I would always do, to be who I really am.

I am Loving it

These days I kinda start figuring out that nobody should not be upset if anyone told you are not good enough for them. It really doesn't matter. I take it as who I am isn't the person you are looking for. There is nothing to do with I am good or not good.

For example, let's say a super great guy is looking for someone who's willing to take whatever the bullshit he tells, to follow him up wherever he goes or do whatever he asks...then I think I would never be good enough for him. But, am I good or not? It's totally irrelevant. And for this case, no matter how great that guy could possibly be, I am still more than happy for who I really are.

So why should any doubt about themself when they didn't meet the right ones? Of couse, it's sorta disappointing that the one you like doesn't match with you, but still you should be proud and happy of being yourself, and living your own life. You are always good enough for yourself when you love yourself. The others you passed by just the passagers, stations or some beautiful scene in your life. The Core is yourself.

I love my life. Everyday start from the moment I open my eyes, the moment I walk in my office till the time I ready to go to bed, I feel I am so inspired. I am satisfied with the things I am having now. The most important is I know what I am doing. When you know the focus, everything turns easier for you.

I would like to thank you all my friends, lovers, and my steamy hot boss. You, make my life so colorful and joyful. I love you all.

Belly Button Piercing

I don't know where I got the courage to get my belly button pireced yesterday. Maybe because of another boring day? I found I always do dumb or strange things or whatever you call to myself. Lip piercing, tattoos... my mum said I am still a brat.

However, I do think I am getting more and more mature. I might be still figuring out what I really really want for life, but I do know what I don't want at the moment. And I am trying my best to avoid to get involved with it. Of coz, sometime I would still get confused. But deep inside I believe I know what it is.

Well, I guess I am still a little bit indulging myself lately. I did things just because I felt like doing, and never overlooked the consequences. These consequences had been evaluated actually, but the result was they are insignificant for the moment.

For the moment, what count are my work and enjoying my life. I don't have time for complications and bullshit. But I would never be against having a relationship, once a simple sweet relationship comes, I would never say no. But still, freedom is the goal of my life. Come and accept the truely ME.

What is the purpose of writing blogs

Since I got my “Secret Notebook”, I had stopped writing blogs for a while. It is the notebook I carry everyday to record every feeling I have at the moment. It’s not like any diary or article. It’s just combining lines of words.

Few things happened these days, but I was not sure if i would like to share it here on the internet. Human always have the problem that think themselves are more important than what they are actually.

Probably nobody cares what I am doing or what I am thinking, I just put those stories for nothing. For venting my emotions? The small notebook is doing just fine… I think I am going to stop doing the blog thing till I find a good topic to share with everyone.

Maybe I should start recording the Animal Lab Diary. It’s interesting for most of the people I guess. At least to me it’s interesting. Is there anyone want to know more about these kind of stuff? With vivid pictures? Nice?

Confusing

I think i am not talented to express what is in my head. I am amazed by the movie makers or book writers who can picture their thoughts with a story or thousands of words and make people understand what they are believing. First of all they should know what they are thinking, not like me, get confused again. I guess I get confused quite often, because I have too much time to do nothing. It leads me to be paranoid.

Human are so complicated. I guess not so many people know what they want and what they really want. For somebody it could take life time to find the answer. I thought I wanted to work before, but recently as the on-board date coming closer, the more I feel I am quite happy that staying at home and do whatever I want to do. I finally would start working soon, and now these my last-freedom days seem to be so precious. Life would have another big change. People are all afraid of changes, more or less. Maybe that’s why I have been nervous lately.

My friends say it’s normal to feel this way after two back-to-school years. I just don’t want to change too much of the way I am living right now. I love it. The job that UK company offered me was home-based. It could be awesome. But it pissed my parents off. They didn’t understand what kind of company would not even give you an office… anyway, that case has closed already. I hope after few regular working days everything would be ok…

I will start on 12th Jan officially. So there is still about one week to enjoy my jobless free life! Party from Wednesday to Saturday for the last damn time!

New Year in Beijing

We were saying that we are two crazy girls party from Shanghai to Beijing on the way from Beijing airport to the city. I had been to Beijing several times 2 or 3 years ago, but those were all for work. I've been told that the night life in Beijing could be better than Shanghai. Well, not better but very different and very fun. We were very excited to experience that. We didn’t actually have any friend there but some freaking "time wasters". Even though we didn’t book the hotel. We planned to party all night and look for the place to stay in the next morning. Yeah, that was a big night, hehe... We finally end up at V's friend's place, not too bad though. I was way too tired to be picky. And the rest of few days were the same, except we moved to a nice cozy hotel, but basically we kept the schedule which was sleeping in the day and going out at night.

Sometime when I saw my friends party picture I would kinda feel jealous . I would feel that my life was not that colorful like theirs or I had been left out of those parties and so on. I don't usually take lots of pictures when I go out. I even hate the flash lights in the clubs or bars. But I know my life is great. I enjoy it so much. I am a lucky girl you know. This trip to Beijing almost get fucked up at the first night right after when we get there... long story though. It had the history behind it. But somehow everything sorted out and even turned to great.

I found it's good for me to go out of Shanghai sometime. Traveling has the meaning of it I guess. Going to somewhere you are not familiar with, somewhere nobody knows you, somewhere you know whatever you did would leave where it is... it feels free and ....free. I never thought about this point before. I thought traveling is all about going to a new place, visiting some wired things, talking to some different people, having some local cuisine. Now I realized, nah nah, that's not all it about.

However, we were as excited as when we went to Beijing when we were on the plane to come back to Shanghai. Hehe... human are complicated. Here is the video clip of the new year eve party in Beijing. Music was great. We danced like we never danced before. If it was not our shoes killing us, we must be the last ones to leave that freaking place . BTW, don't try to find me in the video, we were at very back.